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Doris in Omaha is watching you

Posted by Uncle Marvin on 5/27/2017 to Flotsam

Went to look up a pesky spammer on 800notes.com, and everyone says it was a home security telemarketer, except this lady;

“Our evil psycho neighbor, Doris W. of Omaha, NE has been calling us and harassing us for 3 years
by using all kind of phone numbers on her cell phone & then hung up immediately.

Doris W. dialed this phone number (800-redacted) on her cell phone and blocked her phone number while she was calling us.
She watched us thru her livingroom window (day & night) and she lives across the street from us and she looked right at our livingroom window. She is a nosy evil jealous old ugly witch.
She doesn’t miss anything we do outdoors and indoors. She is the biggest gossiper in our neighborhood and turned all the neighbors against us and told them to do mean things to us for her and the neighbors are so dumb, they do whatever she tells them to do. How sad. Doris knows we never did anything to her, but she is so obsessed with us and she needs help.”

Apparently, the telephone spam, it was Doris all along. Who knew?

Poor people need love too

Posted by Uncle Marvin on 5/21/2017 to News

We sell a lot of these Generic condoms. Now please note, I don’t know how reliable they are, and I don’t trust your girlfriend, so buyer beware. (It’s just for a laugh.)

BTW, did you know that “Ramses” brand condoms are named after the great pharaoh Ramses II, who fathered more than 160 children? What the hell were they thinking?

Just kill me now.

Posted by Editing Department on 5/14/2017 to Flotsam
This panel comic from the summer of 1946 makes no sense to me. What is going on here? The lad on the porch is floating in mid-air like something out of The Exorcist, along with his hell hound, and his mother is dismayed because it’s the third time this summer she has to call a priest. Doesn’t seem to be suitable for a family newspaper, but what do I know.

THERE I fixed it - The one about cranium support cylinders

Posted by John on 5/13/2017 to News
Since I work a graveyard shift, I wear a sleep mask to block out the light, and to absorb some of the sweat from the night terrors. It’s not optional; I can’t sleep without it. Teresa won’t let me tinfoil the window; even though it faces the back yard. I don’t care if the squirrels think I’m running a meth lab up here*.

Unfortunately, the strap has begun to chafe my ear. I was stewing about this, and started to think of ways to keep the strap off my ear, yet retaining comfort. It came to me in a flash of insight; TAMPONS. Attach one to the inside of the strap on either side of my ear. I assume they come in various sizes.

Is there a less emasculating alternative? Maybe I can make little camo covers for them, Or just say, “They’re not tampons! They’re Cranium Support Cylinders!”